1987 

  The ‘Invisible Floor’

This is an example of a ‘learning moment’ that made a ‘thought’ that occurred into my mind transform the content of that thought, into a quite distinct kind of ‘voice’: I had become aware of this attribute to some degree by that point in time, but it was so indistinct, so barely there that I could never be certain it was really happening. After this event I knew for certain what was creating part of the new ‘effects’ I was experiencing. There are several names for this ‘symptom’. This example was a critically important moment.

In 1987 I worked in the fabrication division in Auburn, in a building that was very noisy and very large. I had been assigned to an area that was new to me, the tank line when this event happened. The area is large, a metal grid work floor with 7 tanks embedded in it, regularly spaced with aisle ways between them. It was about the size of a couple of basketball courts. The upper part of each tank was above the floor about 4 feet but most of them were about two stories deep to accommodate large airplane parts.

It was my job in this area to find job packets and change priorities on them. That  meant I had to walk around the tanks/or vats. I walked towards the first tank moving from the solid floor to the metal grid work floor then was suddenly extremely dizzy. I  could barely stand up, the floor seemed to have turned to Jello. I clung to the side of the tank to steady myself, wondering what caused me to feel such disorientation.

Then I realized it was the lighted room below which made the metal grid work virtually invisible rather suddenly. I remembered also how frightened I’d been when I was very young and we walked across a high bridge with the same metal grid work flooring.

While I stood waiting for my head to clear, a thought occurred into my mind: “It’s just like standing on an invisible floor. It’s like being in a place where I can see what’s going on around me but I can see what’s going on below me too.”

Then I saw clearly, within my mind an extremely rapid ‘replay’ of that content, and this ‘replay’ happened as a unit, without space between the words, so that the effect was to ‘hear again’ that thought, as a package.

 I would not have been able to call it an ‘echo’ at that point. A few days later, after I had had begun to read a book titled Replay, by Ken Grimswood, the content of which is very significant in my context, I realized that this ‘replay’ of thought generated by real world events,  having to walk out onto the grid work floor for the first time had been happening for nearly 2 years. It explained the strange sense of ‘doubleness’ (which I could not at that time name, because it was so rapid, and so many other changes had happened. One change overlaid everything, causing a kind of ‘reflection’ to occur  and it took quite a long time to identify.

It  had seemed to be happening, this ‘heard again’ attribute, but I could not be certain until this incident happened. Then it was clear that a ‘literal attribute’ as well as 'self reference', a change of direction so to speak,  was causing my own thought to seem to be spoken to me the way a person would have spoken those words to me. Words that had been generated by walking onto a floor matched with a memory from my past and the incident caused me to re-experience the same dizziness I’d felt when I was two or three years old. But the 'replay', the 'reflection of my own thought' happened at an almost undetectable speed, the content bundled, no space between the words. The words, turned around towards me had the effect of a person telling me what was happening in my mind, literally I was seeing what was going on in two places in my mind.

To understand this fully as a basis for what many experience as ‘a voice’ in their head, rather than a re-play of a thought of their own, requires understanding

 it was new to me, whereas many people may grow up with this ‘reflection’ as their normal. I believe it can happen sporadically, as in 'jokes' that create a kind of 'double take'. Its a 'hearing again' literally. Here's a quick example: A mechanic came into the crib to get his  parts, and he was very satisified with himself as he said: ", Lady, I am a babe magnet." I knew something about why he felt so pleased, so I replied somewhat acidly: "Oh, you're a b. m. eh?" His face showed what was happening in mind: He did a 'double take' processing the b.m. as the more familiar 'bowel movement' first, then he laughed and told me 'that's a good one'. 

 After that I began to talk to a couple of women I worked with and became aware their thinking was often so disturbing to them they could not keep their mind on their work. But before  I began to ask people that kind of question,  I had an amazing experience with a woman I worked with  that caused me to ask her if she 'thought' a lot one day: She complained that her station was too busy and I had almost nothing to do so I offered to change with her. Within a few days she wanted to change back because my station was busier than hers. This happened twice before she told me one day that wherever I worked there wasn't much to do, and no matter where she worked there was too much work. There was an explanation for why she felt that I had 'magic' working for me.

I watched her  one day and noticed she processed a paper, then quite often re-processed it, seeming to have forgotten completely having done it until she got to the last page where she saw her initials, that indicated she'd already processed it.

That's when I asked her if she 'thought a lot' and she sighed as she told me she wished it would go away, her mind was always producing thoughts that bothered her. At the time so was I, but there was a difference: I was seeing what was going  on in my mind and finding a relationship to what was happening outside my body.