It all began with an ordinary every day event that happened when I was about 13 years old.; that would have been in 1945, shortly after the end of WW2.
I liked to ride my bicycle to a bridge that's just
outside Ladoga, Indiana where I lived. Its close to a a brick house I liked to look at as I stood by the bridge. There
were places nearby that were wonderfully cool on hot days and sunny
places to sun bath, so I went
there often in the summer.
Suddenly I had the
feeling of
looking up to a huge blue bowl above me. I had never experienced the sky as
being 'like' a
'bowl' but that is how it seemed to me as I looked at what was above me. .Quite suddenly I felt in my body that I was an unimaginably
small speck laying on the surface of a huge ball hanging in space. I felt the space around me. I felt a frightening feeling
of isolation, of being alone in all that space. There are no
words that can describe how I felt the
presence of my body on an enormous surface that was surrounded
itself by nothingness that more than dwarfed me. The feeling exposed my size in so much
space that it HURT in a real physical location: 'in the pit of
my stomach', literally.
Then a thought occurred into my mind and odd to say the thought was about 'thought':
"All
human beings think. Thought is the common denominator of all
human beings. " and then another thought
followed: "We
must be IN something, or ON something. And thought must DO something."
The memory of that day's unusual event vanished from my mind.
After that day I never thought even once about the incident on the hill until it was retrieved 39 years later in July 1984. The complete memory of that incident was the preface for an enormous batch of information into my mind about my life.
The memory of that event complete with all the feelings, the thought that occurred into my mind, what I was looking at, every aspect of the event was retrieved in the first mindquake in 1984 after these word were spoken by a thought voice that I heard only once: "You are correct." then the memory was retrieved in every detail, followed by "Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." . Those words were followed by so much content that I can't hope to write it down. The visible part of that event was a small part of what I later named a 'mindquake'. Many memories from my past were retrieved, in a flash but I saw each string, there were many strings of memories, somehow separately.
Most of the package was not visible or heard as 'thought' or experienced in any way. It had to be discovered during the next five years as I lived my life and lived the events that filled that 5 years in my job at Boeing doing my job in specific situations and lived the events in my private life. Each event affected my body, in a way I'd never experienced in my life,. I literally felt 'dizzy' and overwhelmed at times.
I remembered that event only then, when it was replayed exactly as it had occurred when I was 13 years old. I again felt in my body what I'd felt that day and the thought was part of it: "Thought is the common denominator of all human beings. All human beings think. "We must be IN something, or ON something. And thought must DO something." was associated with "You are correct."
I remember recognizing immediately that I had forgotten the event on the hill and had never thought about it afterwards.
The very first thought words, "You are correct." were new. I heard them for the first time, that was the only time: Then almost seamless, no space between any part of it, those words were followed by an enormous package of strings of memories of events that had happened in my real life, in my home. The first string of memories begun with an event that had happened the first night of my marriage, a remark my husband had made, followed by other memories of situations between us, such as the first Christmas present he'd given me.
But this was new to me: there was an interpretation of what that event meant was part of the retrieved memory!!!. Then a kind of thought spoke, nothing profound was in the words I heard:
"XXX abstracts from the universe only what is useful to himself."
"XXX encourages only what is of benefit to himself."
"XXX knew from the first moment you met that you would be able to do for him what he cannot do for himself."
I felt a response immediately, I was outraged for reasons too complicated to write about at this point.
That part was followed by strings of memories from my past with my husband and something close to words that illustrated what the words "Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." meant, on several levels. ( I knew nothing about levels then.) The words were somehow 'spoken' as thought, in a way I've never experienced prior to this event, and never again after the first 'mindquake'.
I've tried to find a way to explain the event and how it was visible but that I could not relate to it when it happened, more than a year passed before I began to know it had happened! I could only relate it to the sound of an advancing thunder storm like we used to have in Indiana. There was a kind of distance; the package advanced then moved along and receded in the distance after passing directly overhead but years of events preceded the point when/where I heard the words: "You are correct.". In those 10 days another part of the package that I couldn't see was 'dumped'. That's the word I used when I began to unpack that content. I didn't suspect a message and the information necessary to understand it was in the package because encyclopedias of information followed the visible part.
Later, by 1986 I recognized a sentence that was attached to an idea embedded in the pacakge: 'the importance of an observer'. The idea was attached directly to something my grandmother had me do when I was a young girl. about 9 years old.
The package contained the message, and probably contained every detail associated with understanding it. It also contained the statement of purpose, guidelines and much more. Only future events revealed that hidden part. I had to discover the entire content after it happened, although it was visible to some part of my mind by another part of my mind that was not 'me': the part that is writing this now!
There was another layer of retrievals of events from my very recent past that I clearly 'heard/saw' in a way that is not like seeing with the physical eye, but I related to that part immediately in a way, but not with any understanding of why I was outraged immediately. An almost undescribable part of what I 'saw/heard' involved 5 statements about my husband and myself! The amazing fact is they were 'thoughts' that had occurred into my mind, simple sentences that had occurred into my mind about another person that I was looking at. Each sentence had occurred into my mind at different times, but within the few months previous! The few sentences had occurred into my mind while I was looking at a person, the man that was in my dream; the dream that had initiated a 'non-stop' stream of thought about that man.
The sentences were observations (thought) that had occurred into my mind spontaneously about that man and his wife, and each had occurred during an evening of square dancing.
"A man must be able to live his life in his own best interests."
"He has lost the ability to live his life in his own best interests."
"He said the words but the words are hers."
"He does what she wants him to do."
There's another sentence but I don't remember it at the moment but I believe it was similar to "He is a prisoner in his own body."
The thoughts that had occurred about this man at different times were retrieved as a batch exactly as they had occurred but the pronouns and genders were reversed and my name and my husband's name inserted! My name replaced the 'he, his, him' and my husband's name replaced the she, her pronouns. (One of my re-occurring memories was an event that contained an impersonal 'it' rather than the masculine pronoun. That event is described in the link, "When it came it did not come as it was expected to come." That event occurred when I as about 9 years old.)
Then the words to two poems flashed into my mind: Invictus which I'd memorized because I liked it and Myself, by Edgar Guest which I had not memorized. My body was infused with the content of the poems. I felt an intense need to be what the words contained. Following and part of this was information about life, how to live and provide for the future. I can't describe it except that it was 'instruction' about how to live a decent life, pay bills, have insurance, be honest, there was nothing religious in it.
The visible part was a package, extremely complicated but it was all memories from my real life, suddenly retrieved, and all as a single unit, nothing was divided or separate. Part of the package was, as best I can describe it 'history', the recorded, described, stereotyped, commonly sensed history, as I found out later, it was the 'Western Philosphical paradigm' that began in ancient Greek symbols of logic which many are embedded in even today. It was 'infused' into my mind. It was all one package. I had to find that out later. Nothing was more difficult than having to discover every 'bit' of that package later and all of that discovery happened in my mind when events that happened in my real world life synchronized with certain unspoken thoughts and inner content but even more unexpectedly and strangely with books I read that just happened to come to my attention in some way.
I don't dream like others do, I was basically awake for more than 7 years after 1980. Every 'bit of information' was experienced by my body, as I lived, read books, and had experiences with certain very specific people in very specific circumstances that could not happen again.
In 1984 in the real world two groups of people were already in a setting in my physical location. They had been introducing higher level dancing since 1977 so we were learning a new higher level of square dancing, advanced and challenge levels. Those levels required removing all gender roles. All Position Dancing had to be learned. APD meant every dancer had to learn both male and female roles but there was another important difference: Learning 'concepts' was part of the new level, one of which required learning to dance with phantoms. The phantom concept added invisible 'people' to the set. They had to be 'imagined' as they moved and 'interacted' with as though they were really there. When the caller chanted: "In your phantom setup.." the dancers had to notice their formation immediately, because instantly either 2, 4, or more 'phantoms' occupied the 'empty' spots.
I froze immediately because I had not noticed the formations! There were only 12 and I'd been dancing since 1975!! This 'phantom' concept and other 'concept calls' forced me to do something I'd never thought about, even once in my life, at a point in time when every aspect of my life converged and flowed together into a confusing stream of 'new to me' experiences. I had to learn to 'visualize' the formations and my movements in my head.
In 1984 I didn't know anything that I know now about quantum physics, psychiatry, psychoanalysis and the word 'projection', chess, checkers, the I CHING or its history. Or concepts such as the 'moebius twist' although an impulse had caused me to make a moebius band when I was 9 years old, then discover it's hidden forms.
Huge masses of memories from my past followed those words, but there were two 'threads' of memories in the opening packet because my life as it was in 1984 was laid open from two completely separate 'veins'; neither of which had anything to do with my own real life. (It was as I found out later, the 'stereotyped, commonly sensed' mindset of "Western-Aristotlean thought" carried forwards in time. And very little changed into what we now regard as the misogynistic- anal-retentive viewpoint, the way Norman O. Brown wrote about it in Life Against Death, the psychoanalytic view of history.) I thought the word misogynistic meant 'miserly' until I looked for the definition when I read that book in about 1995!!)
But one vein of thought began with Eve, and the burden of being woman. I felt the real grief of that burden. The word 'download' didn't exist in my life, in my knowledge in 1984, but now I realize it was a download of history, as it's been recorded, described by the male. The stereotypes were part of the download and this revealed a commonly shared world, a single mind behind the male viewpoint.
Both 'veins' were unexpected and unsuspected by me but one of them made sense immediately because it was made up from strings of memories that began with something that happened the first night I was married, an angry remark my new husband had said to me: "Have you said your prayers?" (Don't form any conclusions about that, it had nothing to do with religion or any kind of violence done or intended.) He had not registered as an alien and I kept after him until he did, then immediately he had been drafted, so he was very angry at me.)
There were other events that I remembered but had not known had a hidden meaning or could be interpreted as 'psychologically significant' events. That's because I knew nothing about the psychological sense, its relationship to 'art' and interpretation of myths, fairy stories, even parables in the bible and ordinary daily events that could be 'interpreted'. I will give one example of such a memory: My first Christmas gift was a pair of brown sheepskin lined house slippers in a brown paper bag. I wasn't angry. I was puzzled as I asked: "Why didn't you get pink or blue?" He took them from me, put them into the bag and told me to take them back and get what I wanted.
An interpretation of that memory was part of the retrieval: It was a statement to me, a message that I hadn't recognized, that I should wear the male shoes but not talk about it.
I knew absolutely nothing about the psychological method of interpretation, that seems to me now to have been my most useful attribute, my ignorance and lack of education.
This is not the place to digress into writing as much as would be necessary to explain that 'vein of experience' in my married life, which was the standardized, stereotyped version of woman. It was somewhat connected to the other 'vein' which 'vein' linked directly to the burden of actually being 'Eve', whose transgressions I had heard about frequently throughout my life. She had caused Adam's fall and brought sin into the world.
(Within the last 3 months I overheard a man saying to someone else I work with as I passed nearby: "Adam can never be wrong. He can be misinterpreted, misunderstood. mislead but he can never be wrong." ) That's not unusual to hear such remarks in conversations.
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At the moment when I was 13 years old, my presence on the surface of the Earth was exposed to me. However difficult to understand it might be, I remember that I lived a 'thought' less life literally until about 1980. My mind was basically empty until a change began at that point. My empty head gradually became a 'thought' filled mind but it didn't happen all at once. A few unusual incidents had happened in the physical world and my inner world had changes that had already begun a few years prior to 1984. I barely noticed them, but I did notice them without curiosity at first, then curiosity began. I wondered if "I" was thinking those thoughts.
I had begun to experience non-stop thinking, an ongoing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year stream of content scrolled through my mind. But I did not connect that 'streaming thought' which was about a dream I'd had late in 1981 to the 1984 event until a link was made in 1989, and that was the second stage of the same event. It was a continuation of the first 'mindquake', the first of two that happened in the fall of 1989. The first one, surprising me almost speechless because of where I was when it happened. In Life Against Death by N. O. Brown wrote that Martin Luther was in the same location when he got his biggest revelation: on the privy in the tower. But I was at work trying to rest a few minutes, 'on the john' when the second stage emerged.
There was a big difference in that I could relate to the first one in 1989 immediately, it had taken 5 years to reach that point, to get to that space in my own mind!!! I had not suspected there was such distance in my mind until after I'd managed to capture one word of the streaming thought, hold it in mind long enough to write it down! Then I felt a strange sense of being told I had done well, accomplished a task when a few memories from my past came into my mind. The were memories of when I had done well but one of them was a scene in The Miracle Worker, the scene where Helen makes a breakthrough. She realizes that the water pouring over her hand was the same 'thing' her teacher was inscribing by drawing it on her arm were the same thing. I was also made aware of many details that I'd noticed but not thought about or understood and they had happened earlier than 1984.
I had also not noticed that the content of the 'non-stop thinking' had veered away from being about the dream and the man in it, to a quite different kind of content.
The unchanging aspect of the stream of thought, that it was about one man and one dream for a few years marked it. But it had begun to have different content by 1986 and I had not noticed that or thought about the different content. It had to do with books I'd begun to read about quantum physics but that was also pointed out in the first 1989 event and it was obviously a second stage event. The content was surprising but was obviously built on what I'd been doing and thinking in the 5 years between 1984 and 1989, and even prior to that, one night in 1982 was retrieved and I remembered it and realized it was significant, a beginning point of a change in my mind. Some memories had been retrieved that night and some thought had occurred into my mind that I'd not understood in 1982.
The first mindquake in 1989 made me think, in fact it began with a brilliant color image of my hand turning my lower bridge work over and over. "Think about it some more. Chew on it some more. Think about the whole thing. Think about the implications of the whole thing," David Bohm's book, Wholeness and the Implicate Order was primarily the first association that formed, but so much followed that thought that I would have to write a few hundred pages and even that would probably not make sense to someone else. More of my past was retrieved and I was made aware of an evening in 1982 that I remembered but had not understood, could not have understood when it happened.
.The second stage was as much a bundle as the first one, but I'd learned to relate to my mind's contents in a different way by then. I had travelled space in my thought that I couldn't have imagined was there.
This 'hill top' event was installed early in my life for use at a specific point in Time, when a change was going to happen in Time and an observer and other people were required to see it begin, then to experience it personally. There were two groups of people in 1984 who were in a living situation where it was possible to see interactions between the two groups and to follow a change as it happened and in a real sense, record what happened.
When I realized finally that an enormous package of information came along with those words about thought, almost 5 years had passed. I had experienced an almost unbelievable convergence of events in the physical world that aligned perfectly with 'thought content' in my mind.
But this is the important fact:
Some thought was distinctly in my mind before it
met its match anywhere, in any form in the exterior world. It was so specific
that I wondered how that kind of specificity could happen even one time in a
life time. It happened many times before I really noticed it. Several events
happened that were so precisely timed to merge with mental content that I
wondered how that could happen even once.
When I was forced by real world circumstances to try to prove that I was not 'crazy' and that I did not imagine things, I had begun to read books that were not typical for me to choose. Then one day something happened to make me think about a connection between what I read and my real world life, it was being described to me, told back to me! (It's The Safety Secret event on the home page.
Then I realized the content of those books was finding a match in my thought because a few times I had noticed thought occur that later I read exactly as it had occurred in my mind, the exact words in a book. An Imagined World by June Goodfield was the first, most amazing incident. I read the jacket blurb which was about a young woman scientist that discovered something new about cells, and the new thing had been there all the time, it wasn't hidden . There was empty space that should have had some thing in it and until she began to wonder if some thing should be in that empty space, the empty space was thought to be normal!
The thing that I was trying to describe was strangely describing itself to me. That's a fact I could not have believed if I'd read it anywhere.
And much more than that, it was creating an understanding of a new language, one that used what I'd experienced even when it was only a thought that I never told anyone about and didn't even think about myself when it would have seemed I would be curious myself. I don' t know how to explain my lack of curiosity or that it could be turned on or off. But that's another fact I had to discover. It really provided all the words to describe its self in a form I know happens already, but which is not easily noticed because it does happen already, and the pattern is very well known in psychiatric texts.
Nothing is as invisible as what is 'ever present'.
The fact that this enormous 'change' involved the physical world and activities of a group of people who were at that point physically doing something that could serve as a model, a living model for the advent of this change is more than enough evidence to me to believe there is intelligence other than my own behind that event. They were all part of it and that's when I became really confused about reality. How could so many people 'act' and 'talk' to me as though we were engaged in a common situation, and the situation was related to what had happened in 1984.
I was not the only observer. There were several people who seemed for a time to be aware of their role in a kind of 'drama', one I had not said anything about because all of this 'material' was emerging from a part of 'mind/brain' that was not connected to words I could say aloud or words I could write down at that point.
There was in addition one other person, a very close bond in marriage in circumstances that were very specific in every detail, who had said what was essential for more than three decades between 1953 and 1984 to bring about the situations I lived in in 1984. This kind of bond is mentioned obliquely as participation mystique, and possibly the Stockholm Syndrome is related to it but not enough attention has been devoted to that kind of shared mental content. In psychiatric therapy a process of 'transference' and 'counter transference' establishes this kind of 'bond' but I didn't know that until much later and after many experiences caused me to believe there is something 'like' non-verbal communication between individuals.
There was one person who did what was essential to at least seem to knowingly participate in what seemed to be a 'thought' content that I had not spoken aloud about to anyone. That was the caller in my dream. That one person had a distinct effect on me, and there's a fairly simple way to understand what the 'unconscious mind' really is through this 'effect'.
I became aware of a
'bond' in families that almost certainly is very commonly experienced and
it was described in the bible, very accurately. . However
it's
very difficult to write about even now at the beginning of 2006 when we can
easily recognize that 'history' really is 'his' story.
This 'Hill event' simple as it may read was one of a few events that happened early in my life that were vivid photographs of an event that 're-played' periodically in my mind. That happened so that I would notice them and become curious about them, I believe. They were specific in content and each one was linked to an event in the future: 1984.
I believe Emanuel Swedenborg described such events as 'remains', installed for use later in life in the process he named as 'regeneration'. I believe Peter D. Ouspensky recognized them in his life, he described them as 'reoccurring memories' in the first paragraph of the introduction of A New Model of the Universe.
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I've had a few memories re-occur into my mind after the event happened, but this wasn't one of them. Seemingly it vanished after that day.
(The few 're-occurring memories' were of a different kind of event. Most of them were memories of something I'd done only once when I was about 9 years old. Or something I'd seen (like the movie serial The Missing Link) or read (a sentence in a magazine about intelligence: "Intelligence is the ability to identify isolated but related facts and to form them into theories that explain the universe." I probably read this in SEVENTEEN magazine when I was 17. That sentence and the memory of where I'd read it and other details of the article flickered into my thought until I wondered about why the words in that sentence 'happened' into my mind for no reason I could see. That was what marked the 're-occurring memories', they re-occurred for no reason I could see.
There was a variety of content in the re-occurring memories, some were like a complete photograph of what I was doing, what I was looking at and how I felt, what I heard, it was the entire content of a that event, complete in every detail. But a few were merely words that occurred into my thought. Two words, missing link' occurred into my thought for no reason I could see but the memory of the plot of the movie serial a woman scientist in a jungle, that it was about the search for the link between man and animal was part of the retrieved memory. A movie serial is divided into weekly segments. The heroine was always in danger at the end of each segment, but rescued at the beginning of the next one. Another two words 'common denominator' was the most common re-occurring memory and I always associated the words to simple arithmetic and fractions. It occurred at times when I read something, or watched something, I noticed that eventually.
The other memories were ordinary events except that for some reason the memory didn't vanish. Each memory was individually regenerated for no reason at times until I was in my forties. It was only then I wondered to myself about them, individually. I didn't link them together the way Petr Ouspensky mentioned in the first paragraph of A New Model of the Universe. The memory of what had happened on the hill was retrieved in the beginning of an experience that occurred in my mind, in the 10 days between July 31 and August 11, 1984 the first words were words I'd never heard before:
There is a direct connection between the past and the future, in an individual's life in a life process and a pattern that's been identified as individuation. I believe its more than an individualizing process. There may be an explanation in organic + inorganic chemistries that we don't understand now that it can seem the future requires certain events to have happened in the past.
Isaac Newton wrote that Divine providence (providence other than man's own attempts to foresee the future) was supposed to be proved when a messiah was predicted for a long time before He was born. (See his actual thoughts in the link: Some quotations to remember.)
I've had evidence in my life that there are events that happened in my past that were directly connected to a future event, in a certain year at a certain location, and in specific situations that created a 'model' of the advent of a great change in 1984 on this planet. The event that happened to me in 1984 was just the beginning, the next 5 years was part a flow of events that made me certain they clearly had their s origin in the past, not just mine but another person I knew intimately, other people we knew at that point in time and an event that had happened to him in another country, when he was 18 or 19 years old!!!